Thursday, February 10, 2005

Dead on the inside I've got nothing to prove; keep me alive and give me something to lose

Well, I'm back by popular request. I was going to blog anyway this week but I didn't have time... today I made time.

It seems like I've had a recent theme in my life which has caused a question to weigh on my mind: What makes a person 'good'?

After hundreds of years we know t's not the color of his skin, or the choice of worship. Some people say it's the choices he makes. That's a nice answer, but I don't entirely agree with it. I think it's the mark he leaves behind on this world. The influence he has on the people around him.

I'm not a good person. I've left a long path of blood and tears. I've left so many people behind on the side of the road as I travel along the path of life. How many lives have I ruined? How many people have I hurt because I was so determined to look out for myself?

Someone told me the problem was that I don't trust myself; that I look to deep and I can't see the good in me because to me it isn't there, but really it is. Lots of people tell me I'm a good person... but I guess I've proven something to them that I haven't proven to myself yet. People see something inside of me that I can't.

There are two things that are hard for me to say: 'I'm sorry' and 'Thank you.' I think that's why I am the way that I am, "the lone drifter." I don't let people get close to me, and when they do I run. I don't know why I do it though, really I don't. It's the way I've always been. I'm afraid of letting people know what I feel. I haven't cried in years... at least 8, I can't cry. I've heard it said that "tears are the words of the soul" - what does that mean for me if I can't cry?

I used to live with hope, then I lived hoping that there was hope, and now I'm here. The world is a cruel, cold place and I am who I am so that I can survive. I became a monster so the monster couldn't break me.

“The greatest grieves are those we cause ourselves.”
-Sophocles

“The true side of a man is in times of despair.”
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself."
-Mark Twain

'So do we pass the ghosts that haunt us later in our lives; they sit undramatically by the roadside like poor beggars, and we see them only from the corners of our eyes, if we see them at all. The idea that they have been waiting there for us rarely if ever crosses our minds. Yet they do wait, and when we have passed, they gather up their bundles of memory and fall in behind, treading in our footsteps and catching up, little by little.'
-Stephen King
Wizard and Glass; The Dark Tower IV

2 Comments:

At 5:25 PM, Blogger Shexpeare said...

I too have been questioning what makes someone a good person. I've thought that there is good in everyone- but... not everyone is a good person. So it can't be their potential to be good. I don't think it is the choices they make, because i know a lot of good people that make bad choices. So, i think you are right in a way. The mark they leave. A bad person hurts people intentionally... but what if you hurt people a lot but not on purpose. Arent you still bad because of what you do? Oh duh i'm so... undecided.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger that lisa girl said...

I like the way you express yourself, Sousa. Very cool and straight to the point, and said so that everyone can understand. *clears throat* Anyways...

'I became a monster so the monster couldn't break me...' It makes so much sense that you just can't help but agree. The world is an evil and a cruel monster, lurking around every corner and you just can't help but take a peek to see what's going on. Then, before you know it, that monster has you in its grip and it's squeezing so tightly that you can feel your life slipping away and you fight, fight for the thing that you've embraced your whole existence: life. But in the process, you fight so hard and the struggle becomes so difficult that even though at times you feel that you're at the brink and you can't hold on any longer, you can't help becoming a monster yourself to save that life, your life.

I tell it this way because I've felt it this way. I've become the monster: I push people away that I have loved for so long; I lie to keep others safe from the struggle that I've gone through; my world grows darker by the day and so I adapt and change to stay alive in it. ...And I hate it. I hate me for it. But life goes on and you can't help but go on with it.

 

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