Once Upon a Time in Mexico

The word is in, I'm headed to the Mexico Monterrey West Mission. I leave May 23.

Vaya con Dios.

Ghosts

If you go digging up the past, all you get is dirty.

---†---
I hurt myself today
To see if i still feel.
I focus on the pain,
The only thing thats real.
The needle tears a hole;
The old familiar sting,
Try to kill it all away,
But I remember everything.

What have I become,
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know,
Goes away in the end,
And you could have it all:
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chair:
Full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time,
The feelings disappear.
You are someone else,
I am still right here.

What have I become,
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know,
Goes away in the end,
And you could have it all:
My empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

If I could start again,
A million miles away,
I will keep myself,
I would find a way.

It's a Beautiful Day

Beautiful Day is my favorite song, It has been ever since it was released, since the first time I heard it years ago on the Radio. It was on X96, when they used to play 5 new songs at 10 pm.

I've listened to it before all the major events in my life, and even some of the minor ones. Play performances and first date, competitions and birthdays; I listened to it on Graduation Day. It reminds me of how every day something magnificent happens. It loosens me up, makes me cheerful. I breathe deeply and the air is sweeter. I watch a sunset and the lights are more magnificent. It reminds me of how glad I am to be alive. How glad I am to be who I am.

I've been thinking about the future. The great mystery. Mostly because I realized the other day that in a couple months I'm going to be leaving for two years. I won't see a single familiar face. I won't see my family, I won't see my friends, I won't see familiar mountains or buildings. And then after those two years I'm going to come back, and I'll be different. and then after that, I get on with the rest of my life. I'll finally make a choice about what I want to be, I'll get an education in that. I'm going to get married and have kids. The future is now.

I was singing a Christmas song at work the other day, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" and a few lines really struck me, lines that I had never really paid any heed to:
"Faithful friends who are dear to us/Gather near to us once more./Through the years /We all will be together, /If the Fates allow"
Now, I don't believe that fate controls our lives, but I do believe that whatever happens happens. And as I sang this to myself I thought of you, my friends; because I've been wondering what my future will hold, and if it's going to hold any of you. And when I sang this I realized something, I realized that everything is going to be alright. And that's all I needed to know. It really is a beautiful day.

------------------------
The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
But there's no room
No space to rent in this town
You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
The sky falls and you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination
You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light, and
See the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day
Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now

It was a beautiful day
It's warm in the sun, I reach to the sun

--Beautiful Day, U2

Uncomfortably Numb

So, I just got back from the dentist. I spent two hours there, but the good news is:

Sousa: 4
Wisdom Teeth: 0

That's right, they're gone. I finally got those irritating, unnecessary molars out. Now I'm just waiting for the novocain to wear off. My tongue is so fuzzy right now. I hate novocain; you talk like a freak, you can't spit, everything feels puffy. Gah, I can't wait for it to go away.

I got four cavities filled too (alright, I admit it, I had 6 cavities but two of them were on the wisdom teeth). That wasn't too bad I guess. I mean, four isn't so bad; it could have been worse, I could have had 9 or so...

The assistant was pretty attractive though. Too bad I was shot up with novocain and she had to dab away my drool. C’est la vie.

Anyway, I still have that "dentist" taste in my mouth, I'm gonna see what I can do about that. And I think I hear a Strawberry Surf Rider calling me from Jamba Juice...

I'm here and I'm on the mend, my friend

I feel good.

I've felt like I was losing my mind. I haven't shaved in a few days. I feel better now.

I'm happy.

My birthday is on the 13th. I'm turning 19. I don't feel like it's my birthday. You all know how usually you can feel it coming. I don't feel it this time. I don't feel like I should be turning 19 anyway. 19, for some reason, seems a lot older to me than 18. When you turn 18 you're thinking "now I'm a legal adult, yay!" but 19, now I'm thinking "I've had a full year as a legal adult, now I really am an adult." I feel more official now. I can do whatever I want.

I've been thinking, in a couple years I should get my Private Investigator's License and start my own P.I. Company. I watched "Memento" (one of my favorite movies, you should see it) last night. Leaonard Shelby was an Insurance Claims Investigator, maybe I should look into that. I think I could do very well in that field.

I'm excited for the future. Everything is beautiful. Life is beautiful. I need a vacation though. I just want to get away for a little while and cut loose, kick back, not worry about anything.

I love the Christmas season. I don't remember how much I love it until it comes. I love walking around the mall, seeing all the people shopping, listening to the Christmas music they have playing, looking at all the extravagent decorations. I love the color of the sky at night when it snows. If you haven't noticed it, you should. The next time it snows look at the night sky. It's beautiful. It's one of those little things some people will never take pleasure in. I want to go all-out this holiday season. The whole nine yards. I want to go out with friends and look at lights. I want to go walking in the snow. I want to go sledding and build a snowman. I want to watch them light up Temple Square and go on a sleigh ride. I want to enjoy the company of everybody I love.

I miss my friends who have moved away.

I love life. I can't wait for what comes next.

I feel wonderful.

I'm going to go shave.

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me

None of you are going to understand this right now. But I need to vent. If you actually do want to know, go ahead and ask.

I hate it when people lie to me. And I know when. Especially when they're stupid about it. Like when they're not subtle about something and then they realize it was a stupid thing to do and so they try to say that's not what they meant. Did you think I wouldn't notice? Cover your tracks. Remember what you said. Those are the lies I hate. Some lies I'm alright with. I won't call people on most of them; but sometimes they have to be called out. I lie when it suits my purpose, it's neccesary sometimes. Maybe not to lie but to cover the truth. "Honesty is not synonymous with truth."

What I hate more is guilt trips. The presence of guilt trips means the abscence of fault. We all have our reasons for our actions. When you put a guilt trip on someone, it means they don't really deserve it, and more importantly it means they don't deserve it. I had my reasons, how dare they try to make this my fault. I bleed too.

I think I feel better now. Still feel alone though.
----------------------------------------
"We must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy."
-George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright

See you on the dark side of the moon

A girl told me once that everybody has a dark side and that the brave ones let it show. I believe everybody does have a dark side, I think everybody needs a dark side, but I was never sure about letting it show. She wanted to be dark. But I let mine show, and then I tuckd it away again.

I think I understand it now. The brave ones don't let it show exactly; they come to terms with it, they understand it, they let it be a part of them. Yin and Yang, one compliments the other to make a whole. I've just been thinking about that lately. I feel whole. I've realized since I tend to be more artistic, I can't fight the dark side but by admitting it and letting it be a part of me, it can be focused. Therein lies the rub, methinks.

---------------------------------------
'...The Way of the Warrior is not a glorification of violence. Far from it. It's about courage, yes. But it's about the kind of courage that means facing how things are, and telling the truth about that, telling it how it is.

Men growing up in this society get the idea that manliness equals aggression. Sensitivity is weakness is female is gay. The only emotion a real man shows is anger. He's dominance personified, every gesture he makes is a threat. Dis him, he's got to waste you. This trash comes to the kid from kid culture, where it looks to a kid like strength, like honor and courage. But it's not, it's a mask for fear. Most people fight from fear-- instinct, kicking in with the old fight or flight response. But a warrior moves through fear and comes out beyond it. He's at the point where you can say of him: "His strength is as the strength of ten, because his heart is pure." That's the man you want for a Mentor. A man of Peace, because he has peeled off the masks and faced his fears. Howling like a wolf is how a man reclaims his sensitivity..."

--Bliss Sketches by G.L. Horton