The Day I Tried to Live

I don’t have the answers, but I’m alright with that. I’ve been looking for things, trying figure out things inside of me, but I don’t think I’m ready for them yet. That’s why I haven’t figured it out; something else hasn’t happened that needs to happen. I don’t believe in fate, but I think that when the time is right I’ll find whatever I need to. In the mean time, I’ll survive like I always have; only now it’ll be different because I won’t be looking for something, I won’t be trying knots inside me, instead I’ll be free. I think that’s the first answer I needed to find, to just let it go and live.

I am happy, but it has been overshadowed by grief. I am who I am, and for now I know everything that I need to and that’s what is really important – necessity. I know who I am, and I’m happy being the person that I am. The answers may or may not come to me, but that’s alright because right now, I don’t need them. It’s time that I just take my chances on living. No future, no past, only the present because that is truly all that matters.

Why do we worry about things? There’s a Buddhist saying I heard “With food, shelter, and a warm bed, all your problems are in your head.” I have what I need; I don’t have anything to prove, my life isn’t some empty sham, I believe in it, I believe in life and I’m not going to worry about anything but ‘living.’ I’ve been looking too far; I haven’t been able to see the forest through the trees. There is no doubt in my mind that I’ll be haunted by ghosts of my past, but I’ll jump that fence when I come to it. Life is all just smiles and cries, but now, I know how to deal because I know nothing. Some people would say I’m a new man, but the truth is, for the first time in a long time, I’m truly “me.”

Dream as if you’ll live forever; live as if you’ll die today.

"Life's no ordeal
If you come to terms"
-Matthew Borruso (A Perfect Circle)
Annihilation

"And it starts like this
We crave to be kissed by a moment complete in its happiness
Far away from the things that we wish to escape
That lead us to think that we are not awake
We are ourselves despite ourselves
This place gets smaller as the universe swells
We come to terms eventually, eventually, eventually"
-Josh Joplin (Josh Joplin Group)
I Am Not the Only Cowboy

"The direction of the eye, so misleading
The defection of the soul, nauseously quick
I don't question, our existence
I just question, our modern needs"
-Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Garden