Thursday, February 17, 2005

The Day I Tried to Live

I don’t have the answers, but I’m alright with that. I’ve been looking for things, trying figure out things inside of me, but I don’t think I’m ready for them yet. That’s why I haven’t figured it out; something else hasn’t happened that needs to happen. I don’t believe in fate, but I think that when the time is right I’ll find whatever I need to. In the mean time, I’ll survive like I always have; only now it’ll be different because I won’t be looking for something, I won’t be trying knots inside me, instead I’ll be free. I think that’s the first answer I needed to find, to just let it go and live.

I am happy, but it has been overshadowed by grief. I am who I am, and for now I know everything that I need to and that’s what is really important – necessity. I know who I am, and I’m happy being the person that I am. The answers may or may not come to me, but that’s alright because right now, I don’t need them. It’s time that I just take my chances on living. No future, no past, only the present because that is truly all that matters.

Why do we worry about things? There’s a Buddhist saying I heard “With food, shelter, and a warm bed, all your problems are in your head.” I have what I need; I don’t have anything to prove, my life isn’t some empty sham, I believe in it, I believe in life and I’m not going to worry about anything but ‘living.’ I’ve been looking too far; I haven’t been able to see the forest through the trees. There is no doubt in my mind that I’ll be haunted by ghosts of my past, but I’ll jump that fence when I come to it. Life is all just smiles and cries, but now, I know how to deal because I know nothing. Some people would say I’m a new man, but the truth is, for the first time in a long time, I’m truly “me.”

Dream as if you’ll live forever; live as if you’ll die today.

"Life's no ordeal
If you come to terms"
-Matthew Borruso (A Perfect Circle)

"And it starts like this
We crave to be kissed by a moment complete in its happiness
Far away from the things that we wish to escape
That lead us to think that we are not awake
We are ourselves despite ourselves
This place gets smaller as the universe swells
We come to terms eventually, eventually, eventually"
-Josh Joplin (Josh Joplin Group)
I Am Not the Only Cowboy

"The direction of the eye, so misleading
The defection of the soul, nauseously quick
I don't question, our existence
I just question, our modern needs"
-Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Dead on the inside I've got nothing to prove; keep me alive and give me something to lose

Well, I'm back by popular request. I was going to blog anyway this week but I didn't have time... today I made time.

It seems like I've had a recent theme in my life which has caused a question to weigh on my mind: What makes a person 'good'?

After hundreds of years we know t's not the color of his skin, or the choice of worship. Some people say it's the choices he makes. That's a nice answer, but I don't entirely agree with it. I think it's the mark he leaves behind on this world. The influence he has on the people around him.

I'm not a good person. I've left a long path of blood and tears. I've left so many people behind on the side of the road as I travel along the path of life. How many lives have I ruined? How many people have I hurt because I was so determined to look out for myself?

Someone told me the problem was that I don't trust myself; that I look to deep and I can't see the good in me because to me it isn't there, but really it is. Lots of people tell me I'm a good person... but I guess I've proven something to them that I haven't proven to myself yet. People see something inside of me that I can't.

There are two things that are hard for me to say: 'I'm sorry' and 'Thank you.' I think that's why I am the way that I am, "the lone drifter." I don't let people get close to me, and when they do I run. I don't know why I do it though, really I don't. It's the way I've always been. I'm afraid of letting people know what I feel. I haven't cried in years... at least 8, I can't cry. I've heard it said that "tears are the words of the soul" - what does that mean for me if I can't cry?

I used to live with hope, then I lived hoping that there was hope, and now I'm here. The world is a cruel, cold place and I am who I am so that I can survive. I became a monster so the monster couldn't break me.

“The greatest grieves are those we cause ourselves.”

“The true side of a man is in times of despair.”
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself."
-Mark Twain

'So do we pass the ghosts that haunt us later in our lives; they sit undramatically by the roadside like poor beggars, and we see them only from the corners of our eyes, if we see them at all. The idea that they have been waiting there for us rarely if ever crosses our minds. Yet they do wait, and when we have passed, they gather up their bundles of memory and fall in behind, treading in our footsteps and catching up, little by little.'
-Stephen King
Wizard and Glass; The Dark Tower IV