Whomsoever I've cured I've sickened now; whomsoever I've cradled I've put you down...

Does it ever seem to any of you that the ones you care about the most are the ones you dissappoint the worst? It's that way with me. I hurt the ones around me, and it seems that no matter how hard I try to stop it, it always happens. It has always been that way, and I don't know how to change it. God knows I'd sell what's left of my soul if I could change that.

I've ruined so many wonderful things in my life because of the way I am. I've left so many people behind just to satifly the damned monster called pride. The worst is when I care about the person, and I can't show it... I push people away when I want them to be close, I leave when I need them the most, and I turn away from people when I love them the most all because of who I am. And it's getting worse, or at least it seems that way. I know that there is something more out there, something that I'm missing but I can't find it because I'm a slave to my nature.

I have things I want to say... even now I have something pressing on my mind that's tearing me apart because of this very thing I've been talking about... but I can't say them. I can't admit to it even though I want to because... I'm me.

If I had one wish, one thing I could change I know what it would be... but if one thing is for certain, if history has taught me anything, it's that second chances are rare. Once you screw up, it's near impossible to change... and I blew it.

Whatsoever I've feared has
Come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off
Became my life
Just when every day
Seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Now I'm doing time

Cause I fell on
Black days
I fell on
Black days

Whomsoever I've cured
I've sickened now
Whomsoever I've cradled
I've put you down
I'm a search-light soul they say
But I can't see it in the night
I'm only faking
When I get it right
When I get it right

Cause I fell on
Black days
I fell on
Black days

How would I know
That this could be my fate
How would I know
That this could be my fate

So what you wanted to see good
Has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours
Has made it mine
So don't you lock up something
That you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No not tying
No not tying

I sure don't mind a change
I sure don't mind a change
Yeah, I sure don't mind
I sure don't mind a change
I sure don't mind a change

But I fell on black days
I fell on black days

How would I know
That this could be my fate
How would I know
That this could be my fate
How would I know
That this could be my fate
How would I know
That this could be my fate
I sure don't mind a change

-Chris Cornell; Soundgarden
Fell on Black Days

Sitting in Business Commucations...

Here's a question for all of you:

Q: What do you do after you've taken a test, won 13 solitaire games in a row, and have nothing to do but sit in a class that you're almost passing?

A: You blog

The nice thing is everybody in this class is failing along with me, so at least I'm not alone.

I need a vacation. Badly. I just want to drop everything and get away so that I have some time to myself. I really don't care where I go, I just want to take a break. I'd like to hit the coast, it's been too long since I saw the ocean... and too long since I saw a real city. I've been going insane stuck out here, land-locked in suburbia. So who wants to come with me?

Meh, well complaining about everything helped a lot... at least the entire world now has the chance to know my rant and now I only have 15 minutes of classtime left... but I still want to get away from here...

...take me back to the ghetto...

It's been a while since I posted anything... it's been a while since I was on the computer... it's been a while since I had time. But, I think I'll have to start coming back around more often.

So, I had a realization the other day. Do any of you remember growing up and knowing what you wanted to be like? I do... and I realized I am the person that I always wanted to be... bittersweet is the only way to put it.

I'm not happy or sad about it, but I'm accepting it, and I guess that's a step in the right direction. I have to accept it because, frankly, I don't know how to be anything else. There is no 'normal' life, you just have to live. I can't say if I'm better or worse than I was last year or the year before and I don't want to know, because life is all relative. Life is just a series of events that shapes us into whatever we become, strung together by our own inner monologue making it into one story. I don't have the answers, but I'm trying... and I think that's the real trick

Well, thanks for reading my... well I don't know what that was exactly... but thanks. I hope we can all figure it out, or at least start. We're all in this together. We all have different problems, we all fight different battles, but it's the fact that we all have problems that gives me hope everyday that there is still hope.

God's speed everybody.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years,
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

Lucrece

What win I, if I gain the thing I seek?
A dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy.
Who buys a minute’s mirth to wail a week?
Or sells eternity to get a toy?
For one sweet grape, who will the vine destroy?

-William Shakespeare